It Doesn't Have to Feel Lonely

Being a manager or a leader in any area of life can feel isolating. You can't share everything, you shield your team, and you might have only a few peers (if any) you feel comfortable talking to about your struggles. It doesn't have to be that way.

One of the first times I led a team, I felt self-conscious. Impostor syndrome kicked in, and when I was having a hard time, I thought all I could do was handle it myself. I thought I should show strength and competence even in situations I've never been through. At no point did I feel I could lean on someone to share my thoughts with, including my manager. That's when I felt alone; I wasn't sure if what I was going through was normal, and I had no one to discuss this with.

This feeling worsens in challenging situations when you don't feel well-equipped to manage it. The problem is that you don't want to share this vulnerable side with other managers; it may feel like you don't want to expose a weak area of your leadership. But that's not true, and what's important to remember is that everyone goes through some struggles. I learned that just by talking to other leaders. The surprising thing was that it almost happened organically. I noticed another person was struggling with something similar, and I slowly opened the door for a casual conversation.

I took a leap of faith with a peer I felt comfortable with, and it was a big turning point. Fostering these relationships is crucial. They are hard to come by, but when you find one, don't let go. Talking about it aloud and hearing an unbiased opinion from a third party was an incredible help in allowing me to process events happening around me. Talking regularly with someone inevitably created a support system with 1:1s feeling closer to therapy sessions. Sometimes, you need to hear your advice from someone else, which hits you differently.

In my organization, I noticed there was no space for engineering leaders to discuss struggles and frustrations. So, I talked to my manager about it, who was very supportive and helped me set up recurring meetings. Once the awkwardness of the first time we met faded, it felt liberating! I helped create a safe space where people could share what they were going through with transparency and openness. As usual, I led by example by discussing my personal experience, which made others feel comfortable doing the same.

Thoughts

Being a leader can make you feel lonely. It's important to recognize that feeling and brainstorm what can be done about it. What worked for me (your mileage may vary) was finding someone who was going through similar struggles and investing in that relationship. I enjoy bringing the change I want to see; this motivated me to create a safe space for other leaders to discuss our day-to-day challenges openly. I think it's an even better idea to connect with leaders from completely different departments. At MongoDB, we have a recurring leadership development program that makes that possible. It was refreshing to learn what others struggle with, especially if you're going through the same journey.

This is to say that when that feeling creeps in, don't feel alone. Many leaders out there are going through the same pain and aches; it's part of the process. Embrace the challenge and use it as an opportunity to grow and connect with people in a similar situation.